install theme


You know, we can never hear
a true silence
because it only exists in the fragile emptiness
of a vacuum, and us with all our playing god
and our books of science and our history channel aliens,
we are incapable of hearing nothingness with working ears

this is what i know of silence: i know where
you are not.
i know when the funeral song ended it was the last thing i heard
for so long
except this tired old heart chugging like a freight train
and my breathing suddenly took up all this space so
even though around me i could see people sobbing into
their kleenex and even though that girl in the back was still
muttering comments to her giggling friend and even though
every eye on me was waiting for me to break into pieces
all i could hear was
the steady inhalation of my own body keeping time
and it was kind of ironic because if you’d asked anyone
we all thought that you’d be breathing and
i’d be the one in the coffin

and all i know of silence is that i’ve been looking for my emotions
under seat cushions and in my hair and in the lips
of people that mean nothing to me, i’ve held hands
with girls who deserve better and i’ve laughed with boys who wanted more and the whole time i’ve been waiting
for my sound to come back because
i’ve become a bird convinced that cement is the sky, i’ve
been slamming myself against the ground over and over and
over, waiting for the silence to finally fill with something
whether it’s sorrow or it’s bitterness or it’s just
some proof that my bones are not
a perfect vacuum
but nothing works not the pills not the booze i mean
i can’t even tell if i miss you
because nothing touches me nothing matters i have ripped open
my heart my skin my everything
i have done things that you would cry to hear
but you’re gone so why does it matter

and yesterday someone told me that if they died
nobody would care
and i don’t know how to tell them that
it’s completely true,
that the people around you stop caring about
that the silence you leave behind is so awful and
it will consume every nerve every cell every last
hope in their bodies

that in all that space there is somehow no room
for warmth or happiness, that i have
become so inhuman in these past months
i am struggling to remember why i bother functioning,
that your mother has taken to biting her nails until they bleed
and your father’s cabinet is full of liquor he
never used to drink and yesterday i saw your sister
and she and i exchanged glances and both of us
saw how the empty bell of our bodies rang out
with nothing
i mean you died i didn’t even cry because
you buried yourself with my life clutched between your fingers
and i swear to god some days i picture you just
punching your way out of that wooden box because
i can’t even miss you when every line of music and every
word that can express this
is just completely

and all i know of silence is
that this earth sometimes seems loud and
awful and filled with gunshots and arguments and
constant sinning but if you wait long enough
you also hear laughter and weddings and
elated singing

you left while the concert
was just

and all i know of silence is that
when people go, they leave these great cold
and all i know of space is that
humans can’t survive in it.


- "I didn’t cry when my brother died" // "Stopping someone from suicide" // "Her funeral is today." (r.i.d)